Why did he try to delay a federal trial? It’s not as if his guilt is in question. It’s because the sooner the federal phase is over, the sooner the cretinous murderer will be shipped down to Florida and then Oklahoma to face the death penalty and live in prisons far uglier than some federal facility.

Rest assured that the end is near for the cantankerous old cancer on the Hub.

Image via Wikipedia

I just was at a go-away party at work for someone I actually can tolerate.  That’s saying something, considering I suffer from generalized misanthropy.
Anyway, I took it upon myself to serve as bartender, opening and serving champagne.  The one thing I learned from it was this: Do not drink a bottle and half of champagne at a work-time event.

Actually there was a second thing I learned: I fucking hate how old I am getting. It’s nuts! It’s like there’s nothing I can do about it. Actually, it’s not “like” nothing I can do about it. It’s exactly that there’s nothing I can do about it!

Goddamn it I wish I just dropped dead at 39 years and 364 days of age. That would have been much more compassionate.

Image via Wikipedia

spelling-bee-gaffe-brings-laughs

How about D-E-A-F?

It got worse from there.

Mittens went on some weird ride that took him from the words “their Creator” in the Declaration of Independence to how he would seek “providence” in making decisions in the Oval Office. Father Santorum basically echoed Mittens with the same reference.

I sat there wondering if they really were believing their own bullshit, or if they were just saying what the knuckle-headed god-fearers want to hear.

To quote Barry O, “let me be clear”: THERE IS NO ARGUMENT OVER JEFFERSON’S REFERENCE! HE WAS A DEIST!

In other words, Jefferson may have believed in a “creator” but he was no theist. He did NOT believe in an intervening god. He’d have been aghast to hear Mittens and Father Rick tie in the Declaration with religion.  The DoI (as the government would no doubt refer to it nowadays) is one of western civilization’s crowning secular achievements.

But it got worse.

Newtie said that the president faces issues that are too great for “mere mortals.”  Yup. That’s what he said.  Since he was in Florida when he said this, maybe he should have headed to Cocoa Beach and scanned the shore for a bottle containing Barbara Eden, just like Maj. Nelson (USAF) found back in the late 60′s.  Then, President Newt could get some supernatural help with all the problem that he (like Maj. Nelson) can’t handle as a “mere mortal!!!”   (Newtie, please remit my consulting fee forthwith).

So that was the first most depressing part of the debate.  The second? Card-carrying lunatic Dr. Ron actually had the best answer, basically saying that it didn’t affect how he would govern, just his relationships with people.  I almost agree with the old codger!

Barbara Eden (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

This poor little girl never had a chance.

Her mother married a character named Wendall Noyes.  In 2003, Noyes was arrested for attempting to throw his girlfriend down a flight of stairs. But he wasn’t tried on the charges because he was ruled mentally incompetent.  He has also reportedly been described as a schizophrenic.

That was the step-father she lived with.  He was famously filmed rolling around on his driveway when the search for Celina was taking place.

His pedigree isn’t any more impressive.  Noyes’ father is reportedly a registered sex offender. So, too, allegedly, is his brother.

But that’s not enough. Celina’s home was also open to a winner named Kevin Mullaney, who was just arrested for forging Celina’s mother’s checks. He also was arrested for being a felon in possession of a weapon.

Can a home be any more opposite the Norman Rockwell idyll?  I think not.

One summer evening, Celina was up playing on the computer in her home, were she should have been safe.  But instead, someone took her from her home and murdered her–and who knows what else?  A sweet, quiet, shy 11 year old, with the most innocent eyes you could ever see, must have gone through the most horrific night any child could ever fear.

So my question is this: Where was this “god” we are always hearing invoked for his love and mercy? Where was this “heavenly father” who watches over us? Where was this Jesus we are always told loves children so much?  What happened to the concept of an “all-knowing” god?  What did Celina do to deserve this fate? The religious will say that she has gone to a better place.  What utter and complete fatuousness.

Next person I see who mentions god to me is getting their teeth knocked down their throat.

And god, if you do really exist, Fuck You.

Anyway, I’m just surprised that the substance she is abusing isn’t Botox. With a frozen face like that, I have to believe that she’s getting very regular injections.

Which, apparently, is more than I can say for Project Runway‘s Tim Gunn.  For some reason, he decided to tell the press that he’s been celibate for the last 29 years.  Now THAT’S Major Wow Factor!!!

I CAN"T MOVE MY FACE! (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

Oh, wait, C-H-R-I-S-T doesn’t fit in G-O-V-E-R-N-M-E-N-T, literally or figuratively.

Image by clobby via Flickr

No worries, she force him in there anyway!

In Olympia, Washington, last week, thieves pulled off a heist from out of the movies.  Noticing that the lights were off at the Matter Gallery, they brook a skylight on the roof and rappelled, Tom Cruise-style, into the gallery.

Once inside, they stole two enormous artworks: “Tribute to the concussed skier,” which is more than 4 feet in diameter, and Horizons II, which is about 5′ x 3′.

The grand total of their takeaway, $1400.  Yup. They essentially committed a Mission Impossible theft in order to steal the equivalent of a mid-level laptop.

Good going, guys! Next theft on the schedule for them: A certified pre-owned Yugo that they will use a giant magnet to lift out of a salvage yard.

Tom Cruise (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)